Yeeeep. Randomly just losing my senses, sometimes a few at a time; that's the worst, when I lose more than one. Joric had to walk me around the last time I couldn't hear or see, which was super embarrassing. But also nice, because the dude has some real nice muscles, and he carried me half the way.
[What a loser, this one.
A soft sigh sets him back on track.]
... But it's worth it. Removing a genocidal hivemind from history is kind of a big deal, right? Maybe then... I dunno. Maybe I'll save some planets, even if we might not be able to do much for this one.
[ any other moment and she might join in with him on the joke about joric's muscles (she once had a run-in with him while he was pacing around the station in nothing but a towel and it was a sightβ) but the subject matter makes it difficult to maintain their usual playfulness. ]
It never really gets easy. Your body losing control of itself.
[ losing its senses. or form. the fight in trying to pull it all back, to breathe through the changes until it all comes back to the way it should be.
except rita's loss came as a result of her selfishness. newt's came because he was trying to do something good. two punishments, one deserving, one not. ]
You know, a part of me wants to scold you for it. Giving up a part of yourself for that, but β but you're brave. Braver than I've ever been.
[ can the selfish rita farr give herself up to save a world? even now, she feels useless in trying to save this one, even if she so badly wants to, in her gut. ]
If you get rid of it, what does it mean for you? When you go back?
[Though Newt is more familiar with his body losing control because something else is manipulating it. Sometimes it makes him second-guess his past choices β makes him wonder if there were nefarious reasons why he did the things he did, even if he didn't know. He tries not to think about it too much.
With a breath, he shakes his head.]
I can't really say for sure... I guess I'll forget everything, and then β things will just start fresh, Right? Life will be what life was until 2013... and then everything will be different then. No Kaiju attacking. No xenobiologist needed. I'll be a professor at MIT, maybe have a band on the side... Maybe I'll have time to date, since there won't be an apocalypse to fight off? Or even start a new band. Maybe I'll work on curing some stuff that I didn't get a chance to cure! I'll get some tattoos sooner or later of some really awesome movie monsters I've loved since I was a kid...
[He looks at her, shrugging almost helplessly.]
Things'll be different, and I'll never know why they are.
And that's β that's not the bad ending to a story, right?
There's way crappier paths than being a smart guy in a normal world.
[... Like being a possessed guy in a world that's about to fall into a second kaiju war.]
... I won't meet some pretty important people to me, though.
That's going to suck. Even if future me never knows it'll suck.
[ it's something she's played in her mind plenty too. what would happen if she really did get to fix her regret. truthfully, she never knows how she'll end up, if she'd still be able to succeed as an actress or she ends up having to scrap for change once she's ruined her connections. all she really knows is that marybeth would be alive. and that's the whole point of it all, isn't it?
rita listens quietly to newt describe the possibilities of his own changed world, every listed scenario carrying a sense of positivity. it's just as she would expect from him, except β the tone is different, lacking actual satisfaction somehow.
and she can understand the doubt with those added words.
her world would be changed. marybeth would be alive.
but she would never meet larry. she would never meet jane. she would never meet cliff. she would never meet victor. and she would never meet the chief. the rita farr that exists now wouldn't exist at all. ]
It's ... hard, I know.
[ she gives him a sympathetic smile, a sadness in it. ]
We're doing all of this to make something better in our world, but in doing so, we ... we're sacrificing something else too. Someone. Or someones. The influences they have on us, good or bad.
[ can she even be a good person if she doesn't have her life ruined by the chief first? years in that manor to learn and grow, to find a family β who would she be without it? ]
It's ... terrifying. [ she laughs, though it's without its humor, like she's trying to shake off the fear inside of her, wearing a brave smile. ] But you never know, I suppose. Maybe it's still possible to find those people again. Or ... or you meet someone just as important that you wouldn't have found in the original route.
[Newt considers Rita's words carefully, arms encircled loosely around his knees; there's a thread there that he fidgets with, feels the unpleasant squeeze of the twine around a finger as it pulls taut. He tries to picture a world where Newton Geiszler and Hermann Gottlieb run into each other and actually stay together long enough to recognize they're not as wretched together as they had thought in a cafe; would there even be a cafe involved? He isn't sure. Mako Mori would get to have her family, though. Raleigh Beckett would have his brother. Herc Hansen would have his son and wife. Pentecost would have his life β and his health. So many good things.
And yet, Newt is sitting here, pining for something so small in the grand scale of the world. There are many fish in the sea, right? He'll have to move on eventually, even if he feels some great, considerable loss in thinking about it too long.
He realizes he's been quiet for longer than seems permissible for him, and shifts, as if preparing to physically hold up the things he's about to say.]
The orb wanted me to fess up about a dream that hasn't been accomplished, you know? And the answer was pathetically easy to figure out, Ri. [Ah, Rita Farr has been struck with nicknaming conventions; the shorthand feels right in the moment, anyway.] My partner back home... I don't know if you got to meet him here β his name's Hermann, and we've basically been living in each other's pockets since the war got real bad. We were the last two left at the K-Sci division.
We totally hated each other at first. That kind of... respectful hate? Like, we drove each other crazy, but we knew how brilliant the other was. And Hermann, he was so genius. It almost pissed me off, how he knew some things better than me. I'd have never admitted it then, but...
[He swallows, taking his glasses off, scrubbing a smear off against his knee.
Keeping his hands busy as he admits:]
I kind of ended up β you know. Everything we'd been through, all the work we did... I kind of ended up in love with him. At the end of everything.
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no subject
It happens all the time to the best of us. But if there's ever a cure, you be sure to tell me.
[ seeing as how she's dreadfully guilty of getting in her own head far too often.
but she frowns again as he gestures to his nose, pinching her skirt so she can kneel down carefully upon the grass near him. ]
Is that from that ... change to your regret you mentioned?
no subject
Yeeeep. Randomly just losing my senses, sometimes a few at a time; that's the worst, when I lose more than one. Joric had to walk me around the last time I couldn't hear or see, which was super embarrassing. But also nice, because the dude has some real nice muscles, and he carried me half the way.
[What a loser, this one.
A soft sigh sets him back on track.]
... But it's worth it. Removing a genocidal hivemind from history is kind of a big deal, right? Maybe then... I dunno. Maybe I'll save some planets, even if we might not be able to do much for this one.
no subject
It never really gets easy. Your body losing control of itself.
[ losing its senses. or form. the fight in trying to pull it all back, to breathe through the changes until it all comes back to the way it should be.
except rita's loss came as a result of her selfishness. newt's came because he was trying to do something good. two punishments, one deserving, one not. ]
You know, a part of me wants to scold you for it. Giving up a part of yourself for that, but β but you're brave. Braver than I've ever been.
[ can the selfish rita farr give herself up to save a world? even now, she feels useless in trying to save this one, even if she so badly wants to, in her gut. ]
If you get rid of it, what does it mean for you? When you go back?
no subject
[Though Newt is more familiar with his body losing control because something else is manipulating it. Sometimes it makes him second-guess his past choices β makes him wonder if there were nefarious reasons why he did the things he did, even if he didn't know. He tries not to think about it too much.
With a breath, he shakes his head.]
I can't really say for sure... I guess I'll forget everything, and then β things will just start fresh, Right? Life will be what life was until 2013... and then everything will be different then. No Kaiju attacking. No xenobiologist needed. I'll be a professor at MIT, maybe have a band on the side... Maybe I'll have time to date, since there won't be an apocalypse to fight off? Or even start a new band. Maybe I'll work on curing some stuff that I didn't get a chance to cure! I'll get some tattoos sooner or later of some really awesome movie monsters I've loved since I was a kid...
[He looks at her, shrugging almost helplessly.]
Things'll be different, and I'll never know why they are.
And that's β that's not the bad ending to a story, right?
There's way crappier paths than being a smart guy in a normal world.
[... Like being a possessed guy in a world that's about to fall into a second kaiju war.]
... I won't meet some pretty important people to me, though.
That's going to suck. Even if future me never knows it'll suck.
no subject
rita listens quietly to newt describe the possibilities of his own changed world, every listed scenario carrying a sense of positivity. it's just as she would expect from him, except β the tone is different, lacking actual satisfaction somehow.
and she can understand the doubt with those added words.
her world would be changed. marybeth would be alive.
but she would never meet larry. she would never meet jane. she would never meet cliff. she would never meet victor. and she would never meet the chief. the rita farr that exists now wouldn't exist at all. ]
It's ... hard, I know.
[ she gives him a sympathetic smile, a sadness in it. ]
We're doing all of this to make something better in our world, but in doing so, we ... we're sacrificing something else too. Someone. Or someones. The influences they have on us, good or bad.
[ can she even be a good person if she doesn't have her life ruined by the chief first? years in that manor to learn and grow, to find a family β who would she be without it? ]
It's ... terrifying. [ she laughs, though it's without its humor, like she's trying to shake off the fear inside of her, wearing a brave smile. ] But you never know, I suppose. Maybe it's still possible to find those people again. Or ... or you meet someone just as important that you wouldn't have found in the original route.
no subject
And yet, Newt is sitting here, pining for something so small in the grand scale of the world. There are many fish in the sea, right? He'll have to move on eventually, even if he feels some great, considerable loss in thinking about it too long.
He realizes he's been quiet for longer than seems permissible for him, and shifts, as if preparing to physically hold up the things he's about to say.]
The orb wanted me to fess up about a dream that hasn't been accomplished, you know? And the answer was pathetically easy to figure out, Ri. [Ah, Rita Farr has been struck with nicknaming conventions; the shorthand feels right in the moment, anyway.] My partner back home... I don't know if you got to meet him here β his name's Hermann, and we've basically been living in each other's pockets since the war got real bad. We were the last two left at the K-Sci division.
We totally hated each other at first. That kind of... respectful hate? Like, we drove each other crazy, but we knew how brilliant the other was. And Hermann, he was so genius. It almost pissed me off, how he knew some things better than me. I'd have never admitted it then, but...
[He swallows, taking his glasses off, scrubbing a smear off against his knee.
Keeping his hands busy as he admits:]
I kind of ended up β you know. Everything we'd been through, all the work we did... I kind of ended up in love with him. At the end of everything.